I thought since most people on this forum like sharing Bali experiences and can laugh without getting too serious I would like to share some things tourists have said to me or my staff over the years (note remote village):
Guest: (while passing a bamboo forest) What on earth would the Balinese use bamboo for?
Us: Smile
Guest: So, we want to visit all the capitals of the countries we visit, how long would it take to drive the capital?
Me: Well, about 3 days, it takes nearly a day to cross Bali to get to the ferry etc, but much quicker to fly.
Guest: What ferry?
Me: Well you are on an Island
Guest: (turns to wife): Honey, did you know Bali was an Island, did you know we were on an Island?
Email from Guest: I just read a snake killed someone in Sanur, will I likely see a snake while in Bali as I am terrified of snakes.
Email from Us: Well, what you are more likely to see daily in Bali is geckos (small lizards), frogs, dogs, chickens etc, cockroaches, rats etc but you my come across a snake, also you may see a larger Monitor Lizard and Monkeys, it really depends on where you are staying.
Email from Guest: Oh, so if I don't leave my resort I should be okay and won't see any of that.
Email from Us: Sorry, I should have clarified, it depends on what area as the poisonous snakes and large pythons wont go up into the colder mountains. You will see geckos every day etc, no matter where you stay.
Email from Guest: Thank you so much for your help!, we have decided to go to Thailand.
Tourist:Where are you taking those canoes?
Us: Up the volcano
Guest: What kind of Bird is that?
Me: That would be a chicken
Guest: What color is Lava?
Me: Smile
Guest: So, what do the locals think about black people?
Staff: Um, we are black.
Guest: What are they?
Me: Tomatoes
Guest: Do tomatoes grow on wooden stakes?
Me: Yes, and later the plastic box grows around them and then they are picked just when the label goes on the box
Guest: Quick everybody run, that child has a knife!
Me: Yes, he's 5 years old, its about that age all boys get knives so they can help in the farms
Guest: OMG, is he safe to be around?
Guest: What is that they are growing?
Me: Cabbages
Guest: No way!
Me: Yes, way
Guest: Wow, are you sure that's coleslaw!
Me: Well, the carrots haven't come through yet.
Guest What's that there?
Me: Tomatoes
Guest But they are green, why are they green?
Me: They are not ripe yet
Guest Really, so they start off green?
Me: Yes, like most fruit
Guest Fruit, but you said they were tomatoes?
Our waiter: Would you like tea or coffee sir?
Guest: I'll have a cappuccino
Our waiter: We only have Bali coffee sir
Guest: I'll have an espresso then
Our waiter: We only have Bali coffee sir
Guest: What is Bali coffee?
Our waiter: Its coffee sir
Guest: I'll have a Nescafe then
Our waiter: We only have Bali coffee sir
Guest: I'll have a tea then
Our waiter What would you like to order for breakfast sir?
Guest: Pancakes all round
Our waiter And for you sir
Guest: Pancakes all round
Our waiter And for you sir
Guest: Look he already told you, PANCAKES ALL ROUND!!
Our waiter Pancakes already round sir
Guest to our waiter Can I fix ya up for them beers mate?
Our waiter You want another beer sir?
Guest to our waiter Oh, if ya think I'll have time
Guest to our waiter But can I fix ya up for them all now?
Our waiter What broken sir?
Guest to our waiter Do you have flied lice?
Our waiter Sorry madam?
Guest to our waiter You know, flied lice with peas and ham
Our waiter You want fried lice?
Guest to our waiter Yes, with peas and ham
Our waiter we don't have any peas and ham, we have what is on the menu
Guest to our waiter Okay, just bring me pwain lice, I brought all the sauces
Our waiter I don't understand
Guest to our waiter Flied Lice, FLIED LICE, FLIED LICE!
Our waiter Maybe you want Nasi Goreng? It is fried rice
Guest to our waiter Yes, with peas and ham
Wayan: I really want that toilet seat, its been 3 months
Wayan: Oh, but I removed it for you, as it was dangerous
Me: What was wrong with it, it was brand new?
Wayan: You could slip and fall when you squat on it
Before we had electricity in the village
Guest: I prefer my water chilled
Me: Smile
Guest (School Teacher) Is there anything I can bring for the school next time I come
Me: Yes, some education colorful posters for the walls would be great
Guest (School Teacher) Tell the teachers they can just download them off the internet, I do it all the time
Guest: Can I take a photo of that child
Me: I will ask
Me: Yes, The mother has asked if you could mail her a copy of it as she has none
Guest: Sure, I'll email it to them
Me: Um, we don't have electricity
Guest: Oh, yeah, I'll email it to you and you can forward it to them
Guest So, don't the locals want to get out of here when they see movies about where we live?
Me: Um, they don't have electricity
Guest: So, do they have hygiene problems as they don't have toilet paper?
Me: They don't have toilets
And, just some of those awkward moments when you start chatting to tourists
Guest: We thought we would quit our jobs as we are all in our early 30's and find ourselves in Bali
Me: All 4 of you quit your jobs? How long are you here for?
Guest: Just 2 weeks, we leave tomorrow, but we didn't meet any men
Me: Men?
Guest: Yes, we thought we may meet our husbands in Bali
Me: Why Bali?
Guest: We read this book where another American woman met the love of her life while in Bali, in Ubud
Me: I don't think you should follow someone else's story, and I don't think you'll meet your husband in Bali just because one woman did
Guest: So, where did you two meet?
Me: In Bali.
Guest: So, we were wondering what you were up to for the rest of the day, we think your great and we'd just like to have you for as long as possible
Us: That's lovely but we have a lot of work to do