Back From Bali Syndrome (BFB)
Increasing incidences of this newly identified Syndrome have been received at various Hospitals in Australia. Patients are presenting with bizarre symptoms, the only link being the fact that they have recently returned from Bali.
Mild symptoms.
Frantic searching of bottle-shops for Bintang.
Flitting, repeatedly, around Travel Agents, taking any Bali brochure on offer.
Running up to each Golden-skinned person, anywhere, asking ‘Are you Ketut?'
Boring all and sundry with Bali Photos; ‘Here's me with Madday'.
Using Sambal on corn-flakes, Soya Sauce on spuds.
Befriending only fellow Bali fanatics.
Saying ‘Terryma Kazzy' to the Public Bar Barmaid, much to her confusion.
Asking for Lollies (Sweets) at the checkout, in place of small coins.
Swanning around the front yard in a Sarung.
Asking the taxi driver for ‘morrrrrneeeenk praieeeese'.
Severe symptoms.
Licking out the rubbish bins at Indonesian Restaurants.
Collapsing in a quivering heap at the scent of Sate, wafting from a restaurant
Frequently being ejected from the Departure area, at Bali departure times, where your constant loitering has become an issue.
The scent of Kretek mixed with petrol fumes, causes intense migraine leading to collapse.
Sniffing the cork of the last empty Arak bottle, causes alcoholic Dementia, speaking in tongues and other reality-avoidance fits.
Constant inebriation on Vodka and Raspberry Cordial.
Mild symptoms may be treated by counselling, usually leading to the emphasis on ‘how many sleeps' before next Bali indulgence. The Banks are also known to offer a service for the extension of credit, known as Plastic Bali Drastic.
Severe symptoms, on the other hand, are very difficult to treat. If the Pastic has been finally maxed out and the last Lottery ticket has been unsuccessful, the only remains Hospitalisation in the Bali Bonkers Institute, last rest of the over-Balinated obsessives.
N.B. My heartfelt thanks to Nyoman who, luckily for me, works in the lock-up ward and was willing to smuggle this letter out.